I figure any man who works three jobs but still makes time to come see me is worth some sort of time and respect.

To say that Jonathan and I have had our differences is a complete understatement. Yet, he is the only man I have encountered (for now at least) who has been able to handle me - at my best, and more often than not, at my worst.

I'm not looking for love, and I am definitely not looking to get attached with anyone at the moment. But I'm still an idealist, and I'd like to think that I know a good-hearted person when I see one. And there is nothing wrong with good company. After all, we were friends first.

No doubt about it; I LOVE men. But I think I'd like to spend my time with someone who actually wants to spend time with ME, and not just what's in between my legs. Can't tell with a lot of men these days.

later days.

hello xanga land. i am looking for a brooch for my bridesmaid's dress. i had to get it custom made because the actual dress was on backorder for so long, and i am under a time crunch. if anyone knows where i can find a brooch that could resemble the one in the picture below, i'll love you forever. lol. anyone know of any places to check out??

drats. another missed day of church. i really don't ever plan on missing church, but for some reason, i never wake up on time when i'm back down here in hampton. i guess that's also because there's no mother pushing me out of bed if indeed i don't ever feel like going.

but oddly enough, i seem to always have to run to the store on sundays, and so i throw on some sweats, quite frankly, looking a mess, only to be bombarded by the sight of returning churchgoers dressed in their sunday's best. lol, what a way to feel like a heathen. i don't know why i feel guilty...i guess it's cuz i know that's what i needed to be doing instead!!

alas, it seems as though poor time management and graphic design takes over my life. there are two months left, and I'm going to slowly regain my life back. somehow or another, i have lost a part of my drive that i had back in high school. man, i was on point with everything then, or so it seemed. maybe it was just easier back then? blah.

there's always next week.

until later.

i find it laughable when people only appreciate it when i say nice things. if i said everything that i ever thought about, no one would enjoy my company. as blunt as i supposedly am, i am honestly...not.

it's laughable when people want to get frustrated at me for having emotions, but wanna be all buddy buddy with me when i give them praise.

why do i get so irritable with people? it's cuz i never ask for much, but i always give whatever/however i can. yet the simple things that show respect to me, the simple things that i ask for...are always left undone.

later days.

i am grateful for the people in my life. Despite my many mood swings and pessimistic attitudes, my rants and my snarls, my twisted perceptions, and whatever random negative idea/notion/thought that seems to burrow in my mind, God has surrounded me by quite the number of eternal optimists who seem to put up with it regardless. LOL. Oh, these dang optimists.

I don't want to be seen as such a negative person, because I don't believe myself to be, but though my entries on Xanga are few and far in between, most of them are usually of me venting. Which is forgivable...i am allowed to have rants once a month. I make no apologies for the emotions that I have or my feelings getting hurt and me spewing word vomit all over the computer screen, which i try to keep to a minimum. I try, i try.

However, I want to thank those who have looked to the brighter side about this current predicament that pains me today...especially when i have realists in my other ear telling me that they have a bad feeling about the whole thing in general. -_- i love you dwight, but that is not something i would enjoy hearing right now!

you all know i'm not very akin to the sugary optimism (jonalyn is not perky and cutesy), but it does indeed help the heart feel just a tad bit better when the spirits are low. so thanks to the warm words and encouragement. and lol, no, i didn't die. bwahaha.

thanks to ashlee, lj, dominic, jonathan, and lastly dominique, especially dominique because she sees me at my worst and at my best, and lately i have not necessarily been at my best. and especially jonathan too. boy, jonathan is just in an entirely different category filled to the brim with patience.

if you can't love me at my worst, then you sure don't deserve me at my best!!!

so thank you all for making me feel a little better about failing. LOL. gosh, why do i turn everything into a joke? is this my defense mechanism that i do not know of??

there's something fishy going on if i seem to be in a happy state of mind. lately, i feel like i've just been one dark cloud. i dunno what's been going on with me, but my well-being is dependent on my environment - therefore, my incessant talk about 'getting away from it all' comes every other week if in fact hampton is not where i am most comfortable at.

maybe it had to take something silly and frustrating to realize that people are indeed "there" for me. i'm realizing that, and i do appreciate it. i'm just so weird or just such an idealist who wants everything to be perfect all the time that i don't realize when people are actually just...trying...to be there for me.

my standards are painfully high that i don't think people actually care sometimes. woe is me, woe is me. jonathan's familiar with that story. sorry. i just expect the best from those i care about.

as insensitive, ruthless and tactless as people want to perceive me to be, i'm not. i do have a heart. amazing, i know. and i have feelings. AND emotions. imagine that. so as hard for you all to imagine that i can't be anything but an emotionless rock, think again. i am actually quite the opposite.

with that said, i really love my roommates. yay.

and i love jonathan H. yay squared.

and since dominique keeps up with us through xanga, i just want to say that i know i haven't been around in a while or have just been "off"....but i'm feelin better now. it was nothing against you...i was just being jonalyn.

see, i can write non-rants in this thing.

time to let go and let god! i do have doubts a little sometimes, but i'm sure everything happens for a reason!

time to get back to doing work. deuces.